Detroit Lions Seek Bailout After 0-9 Start

Detroit Lions Seek Bailout After 0-9 Start

By Brian M. Champion

Nov. 10 (Michigan Oracle) – The Detroit Lions, bottom-feeders of the National Football League, sought bailout cash from the United States Congress today after yesterday’s humiliating 38-14 home loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Lions’ 0-9 start has been their worst start since, um, some other recent season.

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, a reliable supporter of President-elect Barack Obama, is already expected to secure a bailout from Congress for Detroit’s beleaguered automobile industry. Detroit is also in line to receive $25 Billion to develop alternative fuel vehicles.


Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm is reportedly
an insider among President-elect Obama’s economic
advisers. God knows why, judging from the Michigan
economy. The are shown in June at a campaign
appearance at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit.

“The economy is in the crapper, Kwame’s in jail, and the Lions are 0-9. The self-esteem of Detroiters could hardly be lower,” Granholm said after Sunday’s loss. “Luckily, I have an inside track with the redistributors. In addition to the industry bailout, I’m also hopeful that Congress will either provide a direct grant to the Lions or hire an army of grief counselors and other psychologists. I don’t see how the workers of Michigan can be productive going forward in their current state of mind. Financing a better team or otherwise providing the help they need should result in a net gain to the taxpayers in the form of higher future tax revenues from our workers, who are normally the most productive in the world.”

“At least Michigan is a blue state. I had to literally talk some Republican out-of-work Lions fans off the ledge,” Granholm said.

Mental health experts define major depression as a persistent depressed mood lasting more than two weeks without relief. A chief symptom of major depression includes a loss of productivity. Lions fans, which comprise a major part of the Michigan population, have been clinically depressed since the late 1950’s with only brief periods of relief.

David Littman, former Chief Economist for Comerica Bank, argues that this depressed mood has definitely affected the Michigan economy in an adverse way. “Even tax cuts might not work at this point, since normal incentives fail to motivate economic actors when they’re curled up in the fetal position,” Littman said. “Comerica had to move its corporate headquarters to Dallas because senior management also started getting sucked into this Lions vortex,” he added. “It’s too bad we had to leave the state right after having the new Tiger Stadium named after us, though. But Comerica executives' kids even started to become Lions fans.”

The Ford Motor Company is expected to receive a large share of the auto industry's bailout money, and this should also benefit the Ford family, owners of the Detroit Lions. It is the overwhelming consensus of local sportswriters though that this will not result in any benefit to the Lions without a separate direct bailout.

Sales have also been slow for Detroit’s other automakers. GM’s financing arm, GMAC, has also begun to suffer losses—despite previously having been GM’s only profitable entity—as a result of the credit crisis. Beleagured Chrysler was previously left as a mere shell after Daimler Benz spun the company off, taking even the paperclips and bathroom fixtures back to Stuttgart. GM has been in talks with Cerberus, the holding company with a majority share in Chrysler, and seeks bailout cash to help facilitate the proposed purchase, which GM hopes will help them build a stronger GM for the 21st Century. Fired former Lions general manager Matt Millen is reportedly heading these talks for General Motors.

Lion Head Coach Rod Marinelli defended his team. “Our guy’s have been playing their hearts out all year,” Marinelli said during his postgame presser. “They don’t need a handout; just a hand-up.”



Top: Drew Stanton’s first NFL pass resulted in a touchdown.
Heck, that’s something. Bottom: Lions Coach Rod Marinelli
discusses the bailout.

Lions fans suffering the following symptoms should not wait for the bailout but should seek help immediately:

--persistently sad or irritable mood, especially on Sunday evenings in autumn
--pronounced changes in sleep, appetite, and energy
--difficulty thinking, concentrating, and remembering
--physical slowing or agitation
--lack of interest in or pleasure from watching Lions games that were once enjoyed, but compulsion to watch anyway
--feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, and emptiness, especially around fans of successful NFL teams
--recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
--persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders not related to stadium food, and chronic pain unrelated to any alleged workman's compensation or personal injury claim
--failure to recover from the closing of the Stroh Brewery in 1999

When several of these symptoms of depressive illness occur at the same time, last longer than two weeks, and interfere with ordinary functioning, professional treatment is needed.