TSA Announces Reforms in the Wake of Public Outcry

(Washington, November 19, 2010) In the wake of widespread public outcry over intrusive pat-downs and explicit body scans at the nations airports, the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) has announced several reforms effective immediately.

First, in an effort to reduce complaints and save money, the TSA has decided to employ prostitutes as screeners. Studies have shown that many prostitutes are either sentenced to community service or have been required to show a legal source of income in order to get their children back from foster care. Those needing to perform community service do not need to be paid, and the others can work for minimum wage without benefits. Furthermore, owing to their skills and experience, it is expected that the result will be a reduction of complaints from up to 50% of the population.

Another set of reforms comes in response to complaints from Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR). Because of objections based on Muslim sexual modesty, Muslims will henceforth be exempt from all pat-downs and body scans. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the President expects the reforms to reduce terrorism by showing sensitivity and understanding toward Muslims.

All other passangers must still be screened.